so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
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