and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
