Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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