I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
