i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
