Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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