Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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