I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
