im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
