god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
