i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
