i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
