Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
