How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize