Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
