our cab driver is having phone sex.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
They are going to name an STD after you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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