I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
