It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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