dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
