May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
