I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
