yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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