i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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