Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize