I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
