I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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