ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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