The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
