I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
