I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
