where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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