U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
