Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize