you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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