Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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