i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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