Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
