As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Houston, we have a squirter
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
