Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
