hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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