I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
