White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
