life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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