Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
