I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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