Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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