Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
