soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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