Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
