I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize