Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
