My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
