Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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