I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
