It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My life is pants optional.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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