I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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