1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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