Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize