I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
