I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
