I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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