walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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