what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
